What A Shame
by Tokyo Kitty
Summary: L reminisces on his relationship with Light and how it has affected his life. Some yaoi themes. Lighter than my normal work but R just for safety. LightxL


What a Shame

A Tokyo Kitty Production

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. If I did, I'd make it a lot easier to write believable fanfiction for this series.

A Note on Death Note: This is one of my favorite series. Being that I am a writer I want to be able to write things for my favorites. This works alright for Hikaru no Go and Fullmetal Alchemist (my two other favorites although I have yet to publish anything for FMA). But, for Death Note I have been stuck at a road block. Said road block is the overwhelming evidence against any pairing actually working while keeping everyone in character. My editor and I have tossed this idea around for many months and for a long time had no solution. While Misa obviously wants sex from Light we assume he has not given it to her due to his cool aloofness whenever she randomly pops out of nowhere in lingerie. The other "near" cannon thing that I see commonly done is pairing Light and L. Although this slightly (and I use that word reluctantly, holding a meaning more like "barely") works when they are handcuffed together (this also creates "interesting" personal space problems), I find it hard to believe L would have sex with Light while he is still under the suspicion of being Kira. With this evidence I have found for a long time nearly all Death Note fanfiction to be rather OOC. I hope not to offend any other writers, because here I am about to try the same thing, but I give a shout out to anyone who can prove me wrong on this theory. (Or call me on making them OOC to do this as well) For once, I welcome all criticism, praise or comments in every form because I want to know really badly if this comes out okay.

A/N: After that huge rant I'm just going to ask you to enjoy yourselves and please send me an e-mail/review if you know of any good Death Note fics. Thank you!

We've recovered one of these… 'Death Notes' so why is it that I'm not happy? Probably because there's still one out there, is that it? Or maybe something else. No, not just the other Death Note, I wanted it to be you. I wanted to hold the evidence in my hands and finally say it to your face that I had beaten you Kira…Light Yagami.

I've sat in this chair day in and day out looking, searching for the answer to this unending riddle. This case…dwindling on and on until I found my answer. Misa was your slip up, wasn't she, Light? With her, I finally cornered you I could feel the end of this case within my grasp. And then, like an elusive black mist you slipped back through my hands, leaving behind only a faint residue like soot.

If it wasn't for that rule written in that mysterious ink… "If the person using the Note fails to consecutively write names of people to be killed within 13 days of each other, then the user will die." I'd still have you and Misa, wouldn't I? So perfectly placed…is this another one of your tricks, Light Yagami? Couldn't be…you aren't God. How can a human control the rules that bind even the Shinigami?

I can't accept it isn't you. There's a huge part of me that wanted you to be KIra. Even as we start over from scratch, retracing the wisps of evidence left by the utter devastation Kira leaves in his wake, I try to bring it back to you. I know this is wrong. But, I'm childish, admitting defeat is not an option.

Maybe I'm too involved with this. I can't remember the last time I slept even halfway through the night. Is that the way it is for you? Are you haunted night after night by the sound of all the silent screams of the people you've killed? No, I don't think so…when I look into your eyes I see the storms of revolution. Of course, you are younger than I and still fight back against society with the virility of youth….But, is there something more behind your confident smile? I want to think there is…even if logical reason has failed me, my intuition hasn't. Ii goes against everything I know, but I just can't accept the evidence that would prove your innocence.

Light Yagami is Kira.

Even with all of my will behind this theory I cannot deny that you are my only friend. It's ironic how those two opposites have revealed themselves in one person; you. You are just like me, which only strengthens my argument against you. I know it's egotistical, but you're just as smart as me; and I know how rare that is. You are far more ambitious and maybe a little faster, that's what makes you better than me. It is hard for me to admit that, even to myself.

I learned all this in the time we chased after Higuchi and Yotsuba. You were different then than you are now. It's so subtle I think even Yagami-_san_ didn't notice. But I did. Once again it's something in your eyes. You once asked me if I would still suspect you even after we caught this third Kira. You asked me to look into your eyes and see that innocence. But, when I looked into your eyes all I saw then was ambition. That's still what I see today. That's why, in my mind, you are still Kira.

I wish you would stop asking me to look into your eyes. It makes me sad, really. It took a long time for me to sort out why. Despite what you might think, Yagami-_kun_, I rarely know how I'm feeling, just what I believe.

I figured it out just a week or two ago. Another sleepless night of many where I sat, awake on the floor, the glow of my laptop screen the only light source in the room. You were asleep then, I guess the sound of the keys clicking and the light doesn't bother you, but I was watching you. That's how I know you don't dream about the people you kill. No one who felt guilty about such a sin could sleep with such a peaceful expression.

Your face calmed me in that moment. You made me feel just a bit drowsy and for the first time in a month I drowsed off, without completely collapsing from exhaustion. Sleep is overrated. Every second I'm asleep is one more second you get to have that moment to use against me. But, that didn't bother me back then.

I remember the dream I had that night too. I still remember it to this day, although I should've tried to forget. The you in that dream haunts me so. I was with you, up on that bed you were sleeping on. Only you weren't sleeping, and neither was I. I could feel your warm breath against my neck, your naked arms wrapped loosely around my neck as we did things 'friends' shouldn't do, let alone two male friends. I can still remember your face as I pushed into your body. You moaned my name. Not one of my many aliases but my real name. How the dream you knew it, it didn't occur to the dream me nor did it seem to inhibit my actions. It made me want you more.

I still remember those lust bitten kisses we shared. Are the real you's lips that soft? The images in my head betray my will but then, if I don't want them, why do I never wake up?

There were other dreams. There was passion, there was lust but I never felt one simple thing. When I looked into the dream you's eyes I saw that ambition, but also something else. No, not something as corny as love…I'd call it more affection.

That's why when you ask me to look into your eyes I flinch. I see that dream you staring back at me in the darkness of your room. I can't shake that emotion. That's when I realized, is that how I look too? Do you see it as clearly as I see your ambition? Maybe, maybe not.

I'm afraid to bring the dream you and me into reality. That fear grows only more and more as I solidify my feelings that you are Kira. I can't share that affection even though I still feel it….I can't share that closeness with a murderer; no matter how much you, Light Yagami, are like me.

What a waste. These feelings I have, I wonder do you have them too? I can never ask….We endlessly dance around each other, pushing for that final clue that will end this unending waltz. Do I really want it to end though? No, I think we both know that there is no other way out. One of us has to die. I'm selfish…I don't want it to be me.

What a shame it is though….We all play roles on this grand stage called Life. You are Kira, which is to me as much of a fact as I am L. We chase each other around looking for the other while the Shinigami watch from the heavens screaming 'encore!' What a play it is, as we spiral down this grand staircase, not being able to express who we really are.

If only I could tell you how I feel and hold you in my arms. But no, you are Kira and I am L.

Maybe in the next life, Yagam-_kun_? When you and I are no longer bound by these invisible chains of life maybe then we can find peace and at last be real friends.

A/N: That was fun. I've wanted to write something from L's perspective for a very long time. This is my first attempt with the style Stream of Consciousness, so I hope it turned out well. For anyone who knows my writing you might be disappointed with the lack of yaoi in this. I am sorry, but there is always a chance for a second chapter…if reviewers will it. So give me your opinion! Thank you for reading.


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